Let It Go

Lately, I have been feeling out of sorts, like I am at a loss. I know it is because I am still holding on to what God wants me to let go of. Every time I worry about the future, like my surgery, or a future job, or where I am going to live my grip gets tighter. I feel like I need to control things even more. Every time I dwell in the past and feel guilt or shame my grip gets even tighter. The more I realize I don't have control, the more I realize I need to let go, but then fear sets in. I am scared to lose control, then stress sets in so much that I can feel its effects on my physical body.  I am so tired of holding on but I am so scared of letting go. It's a vicious cycle. How do I make it stop?

It's human nature to try and get out of pain as soon as we can. I have faith but what am I putting my faith into? Am I putting it into the enemy's hands when I am living in the past and in the future? When I am doing that my faith is turning into fear and that is exactly where the enemy wants me. He wants me to live in fear.  Oh, this sneaky little devil. I need to stomp on his head!

I do this thing where I rub my thumb over the tops of my nails and then rub my index finger over the top of my thumbnail repeatedly. I usually do it while I am driving. Otherwise, I never pay attention if I am doing it anywhere else. I was in Jenny's office for a meeting and I didn't even realize I was doing it. She pointed it out. I know it is anxiety. I know when I am in the car I am thinking about what needs to be done. I am thinking about the future. I'm dwelling in the past. It's me holding onto control and me trying to figure things out. 

Jenny said I had to stop doing that with my fingers because I am not letting go. My first instinct was to clench my fist to stop rubbing my nails. That is just an act of holding on. So, Jenny said that I need to open my hand and stretch out my fingers to let go. 

I need to be present with God and I can't do that if I am not letting go. If I am dwelling in the past or worried about the future, I can't be in the present moment. It's here in the present moment where God wants to meet me. It is right here in the present moment where I will be in God's Grace. What Jesus did on the cross for me is enough! His blood covered the past and I don't have to worry about the future because He rose from the dead on the third day. That's it! That is where my hope lies! That is where my faith lies! In the fact that He rose from the dead, He didn't stay there in the tomb! I can face whatever is happening in my life because of Jesus! I don't want to miss out on what God has for me. So it is right here in this moment of God's Grace, in connection with God, in God's goodness and glory, and in intimacy and relationship with Him is where you will find me.

God is doing a new thing! 

Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you, I wait all the day long. ~Psalm 25:4-5

Fear will not decide how my story ends!