I'm Not Afraid Anymore

I was at the library and as I was leaving, I was looking over the books on the shelf. I wasn’t looking for anything, I was just looking. I usually just quickly glance over them, but this time I was walking a little slower taking the time to read over a few titles. I read this one title “The Way Out”, my first thought was the way out from what? Then I read what was written above the title, “Healing Chronic Pain.” I immediately grabbed the book and checked it out.

I went to visit my grandbabies. The whole time I was there the book was sitting in the front seat of my car, and I kept feeling the nudge from God to read the book. There was something in the book that He needed me to see. 

I get home and read the first few chapters, and I am floored. It is talking about how the brain misinterprets pain, and it is a miscommunication. The brain is on high alert thinking that the body is not safe, so it is continually triggering pain. Then there was a question in the book, “What is the fuel that keeps the pain going?” The answer, FEAR. When I read that answer, yep, I was floored. I immediately went back to what I went through being homeless and the whole Wetlands experience. That moment in time was all about facing my fears. God needed me to make the connection between fear and pain.

I know that trauma causes fear. I have had some trauma in my life like abuse, bullying, a car accident that almost killed me, and the death of my mother. I had someone tell me that those things weren’t trauma that they were just life experiences. I know that other people have experienced worse trauma than mine, like way worse. Am I more susceptible to fear? Does Chiari make me more susceptible to fear? After all, Chiari is a brain defect; fear and pain are tied together through the brain. Before I came across this book, I was looking at other people, who have had trauma and who have had brain surgery and other brain issues. I know a guy who has Chiari and who had three brain surgeries and He is a bodybuilder. How does he do that? I feel like I can’t even function enough to make it through the day. Then another friend has a brain issue, and she is healthy and fit and runs her own business. I know these two individuals don’t have it all together, but for the most part, they are conquering their giant. I want to conquer my giant, too! So back to the question about being more susceptible to fear. I still don’t know the answer.

That question was weighing on my mind. So, I asked my physical therapist for her professional opinion. She has been doing physical therapy for 16 years. She said that she does see the difference in people. The ones who go to physical therapy and give it their all because they have a desire to get better, they get better. Then the ones who she can tell are afraid, they struggle harder and longer with their recovery. Then I thought back to the last time I was at physical therapy and how I was afraid. I decided right then and there that I was not going to be afraid anymore. I am going to do everything I can to defeat this giant. I am going to get up every day and fight for my life. Whatever it takes.

God is so good!! I give Him all the glory!!

Since I decided that I wasn’t going to be afraid anymore. I wanted to start working out. It was fear that was keeping me from it. It was fear that was telling me that it was going to make my symptoms worse. Fear was reminding me that I had a brain defect. That I have Chiari. Well, you know what, Fear!! Chiari can suck it!! Yes! Chiari can suck it and you can suck it too!! I work out now, 2-3 times a week. No fear!!

On my very first day at the gym, I was telling Ginger, that my knee is still giving me so much trouble. She had me lay down on the massage table and she was massaging the back of my leg. She said, “oh my God Sylvia, you have really bad inflammation.” When she said that it scared me. I know inflammation is bad. So, I go home and message my bodybuilder friend and ask him what I should do, as Chiari sufferers what do we do about severe inflammation. He messages me back a list of foods to eat. Then I google about foods to eat with inflammation. I add to my list, and I now have about 10 things on my list. That is all I have been eating for the last 7 days. I have mental clarity, emotional stability, my energy is at a 10, and my physical health is improving.

People that see me every day have noticed the changes. They have commented on my confidence, they have mentioned that I seem happier, they have commented that I am glowing. I know I made some serious changes in the food that I am eating and because of those changes I am being a good steward and honoring God with my body. I am positioning myself properly before the Lord. That in turn is bringing this joy and this peace in my life. I find myself laughing and smiling more than I ever have before.

God is so faithful. He has put people in my life that are helping me to defeat this giant. My physical therapist is teaching me exercises that will help me recover from working out. I am learning how self-care is so very important. My friend Kim is helping and supporting me with my food and nutrition. Ginger is helping me with my workouts. Jenny is my mentor that helps me process everything and encourages me to step out and share my story. I have other friends who are available to help and encourage me.

God knows that I want to be a better version of myself. He is helping me get there and He will get all the glory! I will shout it from the rooftops!!!

For weeks I have been saying that I finally feel like I am on the right track to better health. I knew I was tapping into something, and God was working it out.  I know it is going to get better and I have not seen anything yet. I have not met my best self yet, but I know I am becoming a better version of myself. God is on to something. I must get through this valley so I can make it to the table.

He is taking me from strength to strength and glory to glory.

Let come what may. Storms may break about me, predators may attack, the rivers of reverses may threaten to inundate me. But because He is in the situation with me, I shall not fear.

There are going to be some valleys in life for all of us. The Good Shepherd Himself assured us that “in this world, ye shall have tribulation but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.  ~John 16:33

Excerpts from a book by W Phillip Keller.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4