The Rut

 The Rut 

How deep is your rut? My rut is a lot deeper than I thought. I didn’t realize how deep it was. We think our ruts are just on the surface, but they are a lot deeper than we think. God wants to set us free.   

I am starting transformation sessions with Jenny. Last week was my first week. Jenny had initially told me that it wasn’t going to be easy. I didn’t know exactly what she meant by that. After the session Jenny told me to go home and write what I felt when I was a child. I got home and I was still emotional and crying. I just wanted to lay down and take a nap, but God led me to the table. I had to go back to where the rut first began. It was a place that I had been avoiding, but that is where the healing is. I asked God to go with me, because I did not want to go back there by myself. It was a place of hurt and pain. God did go with me, and He even showed me that even then He was with me. I opened my journal and as I was writing I was sobbing. Those sobs were coming from deep in my soul. It was almost like the little girl way back then was sobbing. I sent Jenny what I wrote, and she said it was wonderful, beautiful, amazing. Those were the words she used to describe what I wrote.  

Those words, that part of my story is the untold part. However, that is the part where the healing lies. It is the part that needs to be told so that I can be delivered, and God gets the glory.  

In that part of my story there was a house and a tree. When God took me back there, He showed me that there was a lot of wrongdoing in that house. I remember feeling sadness, anger, rejection, and loneliness in that house. Those were my early years. I was about 5 years old when we moved from that house. So, whatever went on in that house made a huge impression on me in a very negative way. God did not give me all the details, but I know it wasn’t good. However, the tree is where God showed me that He met me there. I remember playing under that tree and I remember feeling the peace, love and joy that I so desperately wanted. That time I spent under that tree offered me peace and solace from what was in that house. Now I know without a doubt that God has always been with me even back then. 

I will share that story that the Lord gave me soon. I am praying about it. I know God wants me to be vulnerable. I know that with vulnerability we let the walls come down and that will allow for God’s healing to flow in my life. God wants me to share that part of my life to encourage others to let their walls down and let God into those places. 

In that house is where my rut first began. God doesn’t want us to stay stuck in our ruts. In Joel it says, “... and He relents over the disaster.” The ruts are the disaster. Our ruts are full of all the bad stuff that the enemy has used against us to keep us stuck. Mine is full of anger, sadness, hatred; just to name a few. God wants to bring us out and set us free.  

I have said that I am stuck in a rut a few times this year, but I never knew exactly what I was saying or what it meant or where the rut began. I think I was just saying it as day-to-day problems, like health issues, not being able to lose weight, struggling with sugar and food addiction and finances. But it is so much deeper than that. I spent years trying to heal on the surface. It’s like putting band-aids on a wound that needs stitches. All the day-to-day problems are the result of the depth of the ruts. 

When God took me back to that place where all the hurt and pain began that’s when I realized just how deep that rut is. That’s why I have always felt like I am stuck. This year I think I have just been verbalizing it more. 

It’s almost like I’m grieving. I feel sadness in my soul. I know that God is allowing me to feel this so that He can heal me. Even as I am writing this I am crying. The pain is so immense and so real.  

It wasn’t my fault. Nothing that happened to me in that house was my fault. The enemy lied and told me that it was my fault and that something was wrong with me. I have believed him for years. He has kept me stuck for years. There I was trying to heal on the surface and trying to live my best life, and all along it was so much deeper than that. God has already told me this year to remember who I am. He reminded me that I was born with a plan and a purpose as Sylvia Vera. 

 

So, I am going forward. I am letting God lead the way. He is lifting me out of the rut. He is healing me and transforming my life. So, that I can know and believe that I am loved and accepted in Him. 

This is my story of freedom, transformation, healing, and acceptance. 

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. 

~C.S. Lewis